Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue

I know I have pages and pages of notes to share about General Conference.  I know I need to bubble over with giddy pride over how amazing Fred's graduation was last week.  I know I need to write down the amazing essay in my head about coming to the realization that having a partner is not a basic human right, but a luxury of a fortunate existence.  I know I need to go work on my thesis.  But all that is getting put aside for the moment so that I can preserve this moment.

Fred is proud that I'm strong-minded, brags about how I can take care of myself, and is constantly admiring how strong I am (strong muscles-mmm).  Yet he's one of the very few people I don't have to be strong around- where it becomes a choice and not a necessity or defense mechanism against whatever icky things are in store.  And he can marvel at his "strong woman" and me getting stuff done and working at UPS and helping carry all the way-heavy stuff with moving in and yet, when the time comes, he takes care of me.  No condescension, no patronizing, no 'aw the little girl isn't nearly as strong as she thinks she is' b.s., nothing.  If I need it, he does it.  Like last night.

I

Current Location: OUR place
Current Mood: content

I'm only writing this so I can stop thinking about it.  UMC enthusiasts (that means you,
brassknight86
, and the lovely Creative Crocheter that I'm sure will show up soon), however, will want to note what I'm doing the weekend of April 25th and May 23rd.

So let's assume for a second that I'm not enriching 2 of the classes I'm taking this term.  Let's assume that my only academic challenge is writing my honors thesis.  Let's assume that because my 2nd job is so rewarding and eccentric, the hours I work at it don't exist.  Now let's look at this term's schedule, shall we?  And don't tell me this is overdue- it's only the beginning of the 3rd week out of 10 + finals.  Just because weeks far in the future seem free doesn't mean they're not going to fill up later.  Or sooner.

Current Location: library
Current Mood: overwhelmed

So words can not even begin to describe how happy I am to hear from people about the different stuff I've posted this week.  It's definitely more interesting than what's been going on in my life.  I particularly loved that, after spending the afternoon thinking that I should go back and clarify a lot of the stuff I posted earlier, particularly that I didn't put up the "women abandoning women" article because I think all women should vote for Hillary (definitely not) but because I was really surprised to see the concept named and addressed in that way, I am greeted by a lively and outspoken post that said many of the same things.  Whoo intellectually stimulating friends... dare I say it?... for the win (oh no, I'm a product on the internet!). 

Current Location: dorm
Current Mood: pleased
Current Music: "Soak Up the Sun" Sheryl Crow

Papers, papers, papers, surprising myself with how sleep deprived I am, something smells like brownies, I'm SO tired, wedding stuff, apartment stuff, moving, driving, cleaning, packing, research, citing, yadda yadda.  I've had so many good posts go through my head, only to forget them completely a few hours later although I owe Fred a "one more reason why I know he's wonderful" post because of a really weird conversation we had the other night about some of the ideas in the movie "Kinsey" about insecurity and how it relates to possessiveness.  I swear he could have passed for a speech com. or english major when he talked about expanding definitions.  :)  Speaking of which, I wonder when Fred was going to tell me he closed down his MySpace account?  Meh.  I was never going to go on there and I doubt he was using it anyway.

The student presentation in my sexuality class today was on sex education, age appropriateness, in schools, the abstinence debacle, etc.  One of the education majors doing the talk even made up fake breasts and testicles for sample self exams.  Which is wholly irrelevant if it wasn't for rosalarian2's (no, I don't know her, I just read her webcomic) newest post asking for sound effect advice.  And all I can see about THAT is that it's a really, REALLY good thing I didn't know about this website when I was an angry, angry teenager.  It would have been.... bad.  :-)  Fred?  Next time you get around to catching up on my LJ, you want to testify as to what an angry teenager I was?  Yes?  No?

So... sleepy... I think I'm going to pass up tweaking my paper in favor of getting 10 hours of sleep tonight and tomorrow morning.  My mom and I were on the phone for ages this evening when all we really had to talk about took about 5-10 minutes.  Somebody felt like rambling tonight.... and those of you who've hung around my mom a lot know how she is when she gets tired.  Can you say interesting conversations about how much "easier" it would be on Fred somehow if I wore 4 inch heels to the wedding?  Yah.  Speaking of, I can't believe the number of people who think we're "adorable" simply because of the tremendous height difference, as if I am simultaneously cuter because of how tiny I look and Fred is somehow more sensitive and "awww, that's so sweet" because he's fallen for a tiny little thing who only LOOKS like a tiny little thing when she's standing next to him.  Huh.  What's odd is that the size differential means that Fred fulfills one of my needs in a partner so thoroughly that people think it goes to the other extreme i.e. "he's so big compared to you!" with the implication that he has to be careful around delicate little me so he doesn't hurt me by accident.  Hah!  Those who know me well know the reality: Fred was the first guy to come around who *I* wasn't worried about hurting.  I tend to be physically demonstrative and affectionate and expressive and- screw it let's just say I'm majorly fond of huge hugs- and there's a lot of guys out there whose little masculine egos get hurt if some little shrimp of a girl (even if it's a little shrimp of a girl with big muscles who can run ten miles!!) hugs them too hard.  They also seemed to have a problem with a girl with muscles, too.  Ick.  Stupid boys.  Fred=the win.

Not that I haven't hurt him by accident, of course.  Flying tackles can hurt anyone if they're caught off guard particularly if wearing a heavy backpack gives me way more momentum and force than I think I have.  And before that, I only really tackled Tim-Tim (who's much stronger than he looks but I generally try to be at least a little careful with him, unless he starts winning of course) so at times in the beginning I would misjudge size and knee him by accident.  *shame shame shame*

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I'm making NO sense and I think I'm just gonna go to bed and if you read this you're probably one of a very, very few because I have a feeling I'll take this down when I wake up later and realize just how goofy it really is.  Soooooo..... tired..........

Been reading more of XKCD lately.  Gave up on trying to go through the archives and just been hitting "random" instead.  Today it gave me:
Human sized hamster ball
Playpen balls!  Who says what a grown-up is? 

Current Location: dorm
Current Mood: dead to the world
Current Music: "My Baby Loves Me (just the way that I am)" Martina McBride

Although I realize there are inherent possibilities for bitterness given the subject matter.

I had a date last Thursday, for the first time in 3 years.

Current Location: Lacie's house
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: "My Baby Loves Me" Martina McBride

The first Friday of 2008 my latest class was canceled.  I was planning on getting an early start on the trip out to Iowa but was easily persuaded to attend a memorial service with Fred's sister Janice instead.  Hard to say no when it's 3 blocks away, fits into your schedule, is for a very sweet lady that you regret never being quite close enough to call 'aunt', and your future sister asks you to go with her.  Long story short, our information was wrong, Janice and Danny were semi-stranded but had a place to stay overnight, and I don't want to go into details because that would devolve into a rant over, well, inattention to detail.

Current Location: dorm
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: Alice Cooper & Rob Zombie

The hundreds and hundreds of miles on my car, the hours of driving endlessly, many of it in the dark, the cost of gas, re-arranging my work and class and big test and huge paper and getting everything done early, the hours of yard work for my dad and cleaning for my mom and I *know* you can read sexual overtones in this, but please don't.....

Friday morning, a soft conversation after waking:

"I'm so happy."
"Why?"
"Because last night wasn't a dream."

Current Location: dorm room
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Nikki Sixx "Life is Beautiful"

15 minutes ago I turned on the computer because I needed the catharsis of writing, of putting thoughts into words and words into recorded form.  Sadly, it feels like the time of expression has passed, faded and dulled by my pause to start laundry before I typed.  I don't feel quite as raw at the moment as I did, but I sat down to write and I am going to do it.  If I remember to, I'll LJ cut this at the end.  I'm not trying to tell anyone anything.  I have nothing cool or weird or interesting or fun to share with my buddies.  This is just the tiniest slice of how my life works and what it does on the rare occasions when it has to remember the things not of life.  This will probably occur occasionally in the next 8 weeks as I am taking a course entitled "Death & Dying."  

Current Location: Bonnie's house
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Workboots

I needed a little perspective tonight so I decided to wander over to upstairs WAC and go to a seminar they were holding about post-college finances that was being given by an alum.  Also, it was free Potbelly's.  Man, do I have difficulty arguing with free stuff.  Anywho, those of you whom I stress and worry around (which I try to do only to my closest friends for fear of scaring the rest away which means once I know where you live and how to get a hold of you 24/7, all bets are off!  hee hee ;) j/k) know that financial stuff is a concern to me.  In addition to even simple weddings costing money, there are the factors of a new place to live and a car to drive to consider.  It would probably be cheaper to find a little car somewhere than try to live in a spot that will let us take public transportation everywhere, even to Fred's work, wherever that will be.  Although if he's offered a job that's really close to a train station and wherever we live has nice bus service to the nearest grocery store, we might reconsider.  But it looks likely that we'll have to procure a vehicle.  On top of that, finishing up graduate school will cost about $7,000 the year after we marry.  I could take a year longer, graduate in 2010 instead of 2009 but I really, really don't want to (particularly if the job opportunities for him are better in another state- student loans being one of the most beneficial you can have if it comes down to that) even though I found out that I can only take 4 instead of 7 graduate classes before June 2008.  Which sucks, really, because it means I have to take a 3 class term (although one of those will probably be my Master's thesis "class" to ease my load a bit) and 2 terms of 2 classes each instead of 2, 1, 1.  I really, really don't want to be gone two nights a week for class for the entire first year of my married life.  I already know I probably won't be able to be in regular choir but I really, really want to stay in bell choir at Wesley...... But that's this year's worries.  I went to the seminar because I wanted something to keep it all in perspective in terms of the years and decades to come.  And the helpful speaker gave us just the thing: I now have a DreamBook with pretty, soothing pictures and places to write nearly everything that I want to do in life.  Not just retirement, but everything years down the road.  So here goes some of my dreams for the future (which I'm trying to put roughly in chronological order).

And so, with no further adieu: my dreams for the future!  (please don't stomp on them)
After graduating with my master's, I would love, LOVE to go on to get a library degree.  I don't think I'll be up for another thesis anytime soon but there's a university in the area with an 18 month program that sounds perfect.  Barring that, I think it would be a fascinating way to learn more about computer science and the like by earning a library technician degree.  18 months, would vastly develop my computer skills, and for libraries that hire them, they pay exactly the same as they would for an MLS.  Sometimes more in those libraries with a staff of very well trained and experienced librarians that just aren't quite up to date on the modern uses of library catalogs, services, and collections.  And after discovering Magister Killings is a Humanities Computing Specialist, well, anything's possible (http://www.nyu.edu/its/pubs/connect/archives/99spring/killingsocr.html).  Likelihood?  Doubtful.  Comes down to that money thing again.  What will probably end up happening is that, after my master's, we will go wherever Fred is offered the best position (not necessarily the best-paying although the ability to live comfortably albeit simply will be a factor) as I honestly do not mind moving.  Best time for it, really, as we don't and won't have kids for the first few years.  And if the best place is right around here?  So much the better although it looks really likely that it'll be back out in Iowa where the diversity is low but the cost of living is even lower.
I would be really happy working in a library for a few years while we pay off loans and save money.  Yes, it'd be nice to go straight on to seminary so that I can work as a chaplain in a nursing home or a retirement facility (just couldn't handle a hospital or college chaplaincy, sorry) but if I can't do that right away, I won't be heartbroken as I do really, really like working in the library.  Perhaps ten years in the library?  A few to pay off loans and save up, a few while I'm attending seminary part-time (as it's highly unlikely we'll be making enough for me to work only 10 hours a week and go to school full-time), and then a few months to years more while I'm looking for the proper fit?  I don't want either of us to do something we don't really enjoy or that is highly stressful just because it pays well.  I'd rather be happy than well-off. 
I'll get to the children thing in a bit but I've mentioned saving money a few times so I want to clarify what I mean. 
Why do I want to save so badly?  Because I've seen what happens when people don't.  Cool books and video games and romantic dinners out to nice restaurant are absolutely wonderful but if having them means that you can barely afford to pay rent and buy food when one of you goes out of work for a few months, then they aren't worth it.  My parents were always careful with their money but they never thought that the programming industry would outsource on such a massive level (heck, it was unheard of just a few years ago) so when my dad lost his job when my mom was 9 months away from graduated with her second master's, things were not so great.  Tim was college, I was a high school senior, and it was 11-13 months before my dad even found contract work.  They had savings, sure, but not a year's worth and definitely not college tuition money on top of it.  It's a very, very good thing that Tim could pay his own way.
So I want to do things differently.  When we pay off our student loans, I don't want to have extra money around each month.  One month of spending the former loan pay-off amount on something nice would be a wonderful reward, but I don't want to get used to it.  I want to put at least the amount we used to pay to the loan companies into retirement savings mostly but also use part of it to start a fund for our children.  I've looked at the numbers and with the really, really high costs for high-quality nursing homes, surgery, and medicine when the time comes, even living simply means having about $2,000,000 at the time of retirement.  Having half that assumes that not only do you live modestly, but that you never get really sick, need back or knee or hip surgery, an in home nurse, hospice, round the clock care, extend hospitalizations, etc, etc etc.  I don't want to risk that.  I don't want us to suffer at the end of our lives because we can't afford the care we need.  And in terms of our kids?  No, I don't feel parents should pay all of their kids' college contributions.  But the children shouldn't be made to suffer for it, either.  I want our children to work hard for their education but I don't want them, ever, to stay awake at night, deathly afraid that the money just won't be there for them to finish their degree.  What I'd like to do?  Have our kids pay the first term of expenses.  All the costs of living, books, living in any of the dorms above and beyond the absolute cheapest available, etc, will be up to them the entire time.  But Fred and I would, at the end of the term, reimburse the cost of tuition for every A they made.  Maybe it won't be 100%, but even 80% would be nice.  (50% A's, reimburse 80%= us paying 40% of the previous terms tuition).  More to follow when I get back to the dorm.
Okay, so maybe I wasn't to doing any more writing last night.  But I want my children to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if they work hard, it will be okay.  I would make it clear to them that not having their tuition reimbursed would never, ever be a punishment for bad grades; instead, it is a goal and a reward and something to work for so that they knew all their hard work would not be vain.  We will never be the parents who so sweetly pave the way for their children's college careers and coo over our little darlings getting their degrees.  But I never, ever, want my children to stay awake at night worrying that no matter how hard they work, the money just won't be there for them to finish college and earn their degrees so they can do what they truly want to in life.  It's a horrible feeling, and it scares me when I have it.  I'm so very, very glad that my dad has a permanent job now.  He'll even earn some vacation towards the end of the summer.  And if we have enough money left, I want to do the same for our grandchildren as well, although not in as high percentages. 

How am I going to do all this?  Simple, really.  First, never, ever go into to credit card debt for any reason.  Second, always pay student and auto stuff on time, even if it means eating cheerios until the next paycheck.  If we have to make payments on a car, the month after we've paid it off, we'll start putting what we used to spend on car payments aside in order to buy our next car.  That way we can afford something that will be cheaper in the long run, like a hybrid or a small car with amazing mileage.  Similar schema for the student loans.  In the month after one is paid off, we'll take the exact amount and do something nice with it because people tend to spend what they have and if we use it on something special and not for everyday stuff, it'll never be a part of our regular budget.  Next month, start paying off the other student loans and so on.  Soon as those are done, we take all the money that had gone towards loans and start putting it away in two funds; one for our children's education in another 20 years, and one to further ours.  The one for ours is if either of us go back to school for any reason.  Fred will need to keep taking classes in the years to come to stay on the top in his field (darn that quickly developing technology) and I'll be going back to seminary some day.  Both require money.  If he goes back for another degree that's sufficiently intensive that he won't be able to work full time, the money set aside will also help with living expenses.  And so on.
Why haven't I mentioned retirement?  Because I'm not exactly sure about the timing for that one.  Student loans, as long as they're paid on time, are considered "good" debt.  They do lovely things for your credit score.  I'll have to look up whether they help more the longer you have them (as long as you don't apply for any extensions or suchlike) or whether you get special brownie credit points for paying them off early.  No, I don't want to pay gobs of interest but I'm willing to follow their payment plan and not pay it off the instant I can if it'll do wonders for my credit score.  So if that is the case, we'll start a retirement fund as absolutely soon as possible.  Why?  Because even five years way back at the beginning can make a monstrous amount of difference in the result.  Because the worst the economy is doing, the more you should try and buy because it will pay off massively in the upswings.  For instance: Newsweek just had an article about the way the market slumps between May and September.  Just by selling in May and buying in September and having no other strategy besides that, an investor could make massive amounts of money compared to what he or she would have by letting the money stay put the whole time.  Call me all the names you want, but the stressful crunch on finances due to school was all that stopped me from starting a $1,000 retirement account the day I turned 18.  And who knows?  Maybe I would have worked more hours and found a way to get by even if I had.  Am I a miser for not aspiring to fancy dinners out and sports cars and designer clothes and manicures and what-not?  I'm not sure it even matters.  Maybe it's boring and uneventful to want comfort, security, and peace of mind.  Maybe I just want enough of a cushion so that Fred and I will be able to go out and do something absolutely extravagant and luxurious and not have to worry about bouncing any checks the next week.  No matter what my motives, this is how I want things to be.  Who's to say where things will be in 20 years?  What industry is next to take a hit of outsourcing?  How much libraries will have their funds cut when so much becomes increasingly available on line and they're seen as not much more than computer and media centers?  My dad worked 20+ years for the company he thought he'd retire with and look what happened.  I'm not going to risk that happening to us if there's any way we can prevent it.
I left a lot of stuff out, I know, so comment with what you think really should be included or if there was anywhere I was massively unclear.  Or, tell me of your dreams.  What do you want to do differently than your parents?  Anything you'd like to keep the same?  Let me know.

Current Location: library, work
Current Mood: determined

SO.  Faith just got back from spending the weekend at ACEN and if she doesn't write this all down, she'll never be sure what actually happened and what didn't.  Where to start?

Ooh, let's see.  Thursday. 

Current Location: dorm room
Current Mood: satisfied